Life was Worse. Feeling Depression
2 weeks had past since my passing out parade of medic course level 1. Though that life will be good and fun learning when back to my camp. But I was wrong it turns out bad to worse, receiving problem and trouble of 1 of our team. Among the medics I am the experience ones who is a nurse have a good knowledge in medical term. I had a task to guide the new medic of medical equipment. I share my knowledge and skill to them and they learned. One of the medics always causing problem among us. He keep on claim he having stress and headaches, I understand how he feel and what life have change him. I try to change his mentally but failed to do so but I didn’t give up hope.
At the clinical measurement room, I gave him a try to take parameter for a patient who having rash. He looks worry and didn’t give a try, I try to pursue him but he refuse. Later he left the room to other side silently. I carry on my work while other was busy to manage the medical center. Suddenly we were call up to lecture room to meet our medical officer. In shock of life, our MO warned us included smoker not to smoke around the medical center again. We already know who did it as we just act normal. Reason that I know my teams were busy in each session while he the only one didn’t do anything.
Life was dead and tired. Depression over a matter. Feeling Hopeless and Saddness. Can’t think of solution to help a medic who had given up hope. That night I was holding a can of coke drinking outside the colder balcony of the medical center. Looking up the darkness sky and asking myself “WHY IS THIS HAPPEN TO ME”, "WHY MUST THIS MATTER PULLING ME DOWN”, “AM I HOPELESS”, shouting across a darkness field.
Friend came along and place his touch over my shoulder. Seeing me drunk the 9th can of coke a days like drinking alcohol. He asked, “are you trying to kill yourself”. “Some how if I could”, Answer with depression. Sharing problem which I faces and allows me to ease my stressor and depression away. But it didn’t help to solve it out. Silent down myself, and pray these what I can only do. The rest I keep tell myself “WHAT AM I GOING TO DO” or “I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO, DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO”. Feeling like committee suicide out of the camp and mind. “Are you crazy”, my friend scold me. “Remember that you guide me well and I learn from you cause you are NURSE, you have to stand out and speak out yourself”. Message across my ear since to be hopeless to me. Drunk away my least can of coke, and together walk back to bunk and have a good sleep.
Thursday afternoon, we received urgent message that we need to clean our bunk because our Commanding Officer is coming. 9 out of 10 turn out to do area cleaning, the only one was missing, we call him "MIA Medic". We quickly do the sweeping, cleaning and mopping. An hours past, we mop the floor with Medical Smell and await the floor to dry. Suddenly the MIA Medic appears and we tell him not to enter the room that we had just mop the floor. He argues with us and ask “WHY”, we were so angry but patient and explain with him again. Showing us his stress faces, and he enter the room without physical. His boots were muddy and had mess the room. We shouts and scolds him off, but didn’t turn good. Instead he likes want to fight with us. We decide to give up hope and walk away. He left the bunk and we quickly clean up the mess and this time around we lock up the room and go back to medical center.
At the clinical measurement room, I gave him a try to take parameter for a patient who having rash. He looks worry and didn’t give a try, I try to pursue him but he refuse. Later he left the room to other side silently. I carry on my work while other was busy to manage the medical center. Suddenly we were call up to lecture room to meet our medical officer. In shock of life, our MO warned us included smoker not to smoke around the medical center again. We already know who did it as we just act normal. Reason that I know my teams were busy in each session while he the only one didn’t do anything.
Life was dead and tired. Depression over a matter. Feeling Hopeless and Saddness. Can’t think of solution to help a medic who had given up hope. That night I was holding a can of coke drinking outside the colder balcony of the medical center. Looking up the darkness sky and asking myself “WHY IS THIS HAPPEN TO ME”, "WHY MUST THIS MATTER PULLING ME DOWN”, “AM I HOPELESS”, shouting across a darkness field.
Friend came along and place his touch over my shoulder. Seeing me drunk the 9th can of coke a days like drinking alcohol. He asked, “are you trying to kill yourself”. “Some how if I could”, Answer with depression. Sharing problem which I faces and allows me to ease my stressor and depression away. But it didn’t help to solve it out. Silent down myself, and pray these what I can only do. The rest I keep tell myself “WHAT AM I GOING TO DO” or “I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO, DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO”. Feeling like committee suicide out of the camp and mind. “Are you crazy”, my friend scold me. “Remember that you guide me well and I learn from you cause you are NURSE, you have to stand out and speak out yourself”. Message across my ear since to be hopeless to me. Drunk away my least can of coke, and together walk back to bunk and have a good sleep.
Thursday afternoon, we received urgent message that we need to clean our bunk because our Commanding Officer is coming. 9 out of 10 turn out to do area cleaning, the only one was missing, we call him "MIA Medic". We quickly do the sweeping, cleaning and mopping. An hours past, we mop the floor with Medical Smell and await the floor to dry. Suddenly the MIA Medic appears and we tell him not to enter the room that we had just mop the floor. He argues with us and ask “WHY”, we were so angry but patient and explain with him again. Showing us his stress faces, and he enter the room without physical. His boots were muddy and had mess the room. We shouts and scolds him off, but didn’t turn good. Instead he likes want to fight with us. We decide to give up hope and walk away. He left the bunk and we quickly clean up the mess and this time around we lock up the room and go back to medical center.
Raise up he voice at medical center asking us “WHY WE LOCK THE DOOR WITHOUT TELLING HIM”. Logically, it is the duty of Bunk I/C is to lock up the room when no one is in the room or is a working hours. Unreason, he complains to senior medic and we got a great scolding from senior medic. Feeling anger in the heart, but have no other choice face the music. We did complain couple of time to our senior medic about him, but senior medic also given up hope. Useless and heartless.
End of the week 2, I was terrible down, depress and stress out. I don’t know what to do next. I am lost, confuse & fearing down. Use to be strong and ownership during medic course. But it seen problem and trouble become a great fear to me. Sincerely thinking of giving up HOPE and Mindless of Suicide. Warning to him didn’t give a change. SO HOW.
ENDLESS OF LIFE
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